THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF, IN A PANDEMIC

The term loneliness implies being isolated and alone; however, the experience of loneliness is subjective. My experience with this feeling provided me with a false sense of security and safety. 

I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everybody, yet no one knew anyone.

IF I WAS TO BE MYSELF THAT WOULD EQUATE TO LONELINESS AND IF I WAS TO CONFORM TO SOCIETAL NORMS, I FELT INTERNAL ISOLATION.

Either way I felt alone. 

My loneliness developed into a distressing response to perceived isolation. The messages I received both internally and externally created an experience of intense seclusion.

As a queer human, I saw myself as not deserving of love. 

Throughout my life I ran away from the feeling of loneliness, however, given the global pandemic I was forced to sit with that part of myself.

I could no longer fill the void that was feeding the need for external validation. I was alone with me and that lovely inner critic that reminds us that we’re not — ever — enough.

Prior to 2019 my life looked very different. I was living and working abroad, traveling to various countries, and connecting with all walks of life. 

When I came back to Denver with a couple of months to spare before the pandemic hit in early 2020 my identity encountered a major shift and change. 

I no longer was living on my own. I had gained a new role as a stepparent. I now had a wife, kids, a home, and dogs to look after. While not physically alone during this time the feeling of loneliness struck when the feeling of “I don’t belong” sank in.

But when the pandemic hit I oddly felt a sense of comfort. There was a feeling of peace in knowing we were all going through this process collectively. 

I am not saying I wasn’t scared and it wasn’t hard, but there was solace in knowing that others were feeling the exact same way, too. Commonality created contentment because we were all going through this experience together, despite hardships. 

The world had a problem no one could fix. We were forced into a remote isolated life navigating feelings of fear, stress, and belonging — but this process allowed for humans to take a look at the importance of life and what matters.

The pandemic allowed for universal reflection.  

The saying “You can be in a room surrounded by people and still feel alone” stuck with me and had me thinking that maybe it’s not really about who is in the room. Maybe that’s not what we should focus on.

With seclusion I’ve learned to take a deep look at self and acknowledge my past and present pain. I’ve realized that I no longer need to entertain the idea that I must fill time in order to avoid isolation. The pandemic of loneliness taught me that the most important person in that room full of people is yourself. 

Because once you know the importance of self, that’s when you can truly care for others.